Joy to the World - a Christmas Retail Rant

December 23, 1989. 7:45 AM. The Saturday before Christmas.

The mall is already packed, meaning one of the big anchor stores opened at 6:00 or something. I get to the store and raise the gate just enough to get into the store. Four customers duck under the gate before I can start lowering it again.

“We don’t open until 8:00,” I say.

Holding up a game, one of the customers asks, “Have you got this for the Commodore 64?”

“We aren’t open yet,” I repeat. “You can come back in at 8:00.”

Three of the customers leave. The C-64 guy is still holding the Atari game, ignoring me and looking on the PC compatible section.

“We aren’t open yet,” I say in my best I’m-being-patient-because-you’re-a-moron voice. I use that voice a lot during the Christmas sales season. “You can’t stay in store right now.”

“Huh?” the guy says, looking up.

“Leave. Now.” The store hasn’t even opened and I’m already out of patience.

The C-64 guy slips the Atari game onto the PC shelf. “All you had to do was say so. No need to be rude. You’re not the only software store in the mall, you know.”

“Yeah. There’s a Babbage's at the bottom of those stairs over there,” I say, pointing. “Their sales guy is just showing up. If you hurry, maybe you can duck under his gate and see how he reacts.”

I slam the gate shut and finally start getting everything ready to open the store.

Joy to the world.

8:25 AM

I land my first babysitting job of the season when a mother instructs her two boys to stay in the store and play games until she’s finished. The boys are maybe 11 and nine.

Looking across the store at me, she says, “Keep an eye on them, for me. They aren’t allowed to wander around the mall by themselves.” Then she’s gone, reabsorbed by the amorphous multi-celled blob known as Christmas shoppers.

She goes right to the top of my Mother of the Year list. Competition for the top spot had been tough this season, but I’m confident this display of maternal instinct will prove well nigh unbeatable.

I finish with the customer I was assisting and look for the two boys. Oh, bliss, They’ve decided to be helpful! They’ve taken all of the software in the Amiga section and scattered it on the floor. I tell them to leave the software alone.

The nine year old looks to the 11 year old. The 11 year old says, “We’re bored.”

“Not my problem,” I tell them.

“Mom told us to stay here and play games but you don’t have any games to play!” he accuses.

I start putting the Amiga shelf back together again. “Correct.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Nothing,” I tell him.

“When she gets back, I’m going to tell my mom!” he threatens.

I bend down, look him directly in the eyes and hiss “So am I.”

I don’t have any more trouble from the two boys.

Joy to the world.

9:40 AM

The first complainer shows up. He's right on schedule.

“It took me twenty-five minutes to find a parking place,” he snarls at me.

I don’t say anything. Besides, he probably doesn’t want to hear that I’m required to park half a mile away from the mall so more spaces will be available for the customers.

“And that was after I spent 30 minutes crawling through the traffic just to get here!”

I’ve had to fight that traffic for the last seven days. I doubt he’s interested.

“All just to pick up this damned game for my kid,” he waves something for a PC compatible around.

I know the game and ask, “Do you have a VGA card in your computer?”

“A what?”

“A VGA graphics card,” I repeat. “The game requires a VGA graphics card to run.”

“How the hell should I know?” He’s back to snarling.

“If you could tell me what kind of computer you have I-“

“It’s an IBM,” he says.

“Actually made by IBM?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he answers.

“If you can tell me what model it is, maybe I can help you figure out if you’ve got a VGA card,” I tell him. It looks like I’m starting to get him calmed down.

“I know that! It’s a PC, Jr.”

Crap. I’m about to have the nothing-you-actually-want-will-run-on-a-PC-Jr. conversation.

Joy to the world.

10:15 AM

The Mother of the Year returns. I’m busy juggling questions from four different customers and don’t notice her return until she plants herself right in front of me.

“My boys tell me you didn’t let them play any games!” she says.

I signal the customer I was returning to that I’ll be just a minute. He nods sympathetically.

“We don’t have any machines set up in this store,” I tell her.

“You could have set one up!” she demands.

Snap!

“And you could have taken them with you,” I retort, “or left them at home! I am not a babysitter nor is it my job to entertain your children. That, madam, is your job. Now, take your children and leave my store!”

Now the Mother of the Year is truly furious. Like I care.

“I’m going to file a complaint with your manager!” she threatens.

“Go ahead!” I hiss back. What the hell, hissing worked on her boys, maybe it will work on her, too. "She hates people who treat us like babysitters as much as I do!"

“Hmph! Well, I can tell you we’ll never shop in this store again!” she says.

Joy to the world!

11:00 AM

Support finally arrives in the person of my co-worker, Bob. Thank God! I've got to piss like you wouldn't believe.

"Been busy?" he asks.

Our store is all of 500 square feet. There are at least two dozen customers in the store. It took Bob half a minute to get from the store entrance to the register at the back of the store. And he has to ask if it's been busy?

"Yes," I say. "Hurry up and sign in so I can use the can!"

Bob laughs. I'll give him that one. I'd have laughed in his place, too. It takes all of 15 seconds to sign in and grab a name tag. It only takes 10 seconds for a customer to approach me. She's holding at least half a dozen different computer games and looks completely confused. A typical customer, in other words.

She holds out all of the games, "Which of these would be a good game for a 13 year old boy?"

Feeling as if my eyeballs are starting to float, I take a look at what she's got. The Bard's Tale. M.U.L.E. Gauntlet. Skate or Die. California Games.

"Any of those would be fine," I answer and start edging toward the back office.

She's a pro, though, and not going to be deterred by my evasion. "But which one would be best?"

I'm tempted to just tell her to get M.U.L.E. But just because I think it's the best computer game ever designed doesn't mean the boy she's buying for will agree.

"What are some other games he likes to play?" I ask, cursing myself for taking my job more seriously than my bladder.

"I don't know," she answers. "It's for my nephew. My sister said he liked computer games and to get him one."

Uh oh, I'm stuck with a customer who's even more ignorant than normal! Experience has taught me what to do now, but I'm going to be stuck with this one customer for a while.

"But you're sure he has a Commodore 64?" I ask, positive she will be anything but sure.

"A what?" she asks.

"His computer. Is it a Commodore 64?"

"I don't know. My sister just said they had a computer. Does it matter?"

"Yes. If the game isn't for the right computer it won't work," I tell her, just as I've told countless other clueless customers this season.

I'm amazed my bladder has exploded yet. I also know what's coming next.

"That's stupid," she tells me. "Why would people make computers that are different like that?"

"I'd suggest you call your sister and find out what kind of computer they have. Then we should be able to help you pick the right game for your nephew," I say, starting to turn away. But she's not done quite yet.

"Can I use your phone to call her?" she asks.

We're not supposed to do that but I figure I can run back to the can while she's on the phone. "Sure."

I hand her the phone, dial the number, make sure it's ringing and then head for the can.

"Hi, Ellen, it's Sarah," she says. "I've got a sales guy who has some questions for you!"

Smiling, she holds the phone out to me.

Joy to the world.

11:18 AM

I finally get to the can.

Joy to the world.

12:30 PM

Lunch. I get an entire 30 minutes during which I don't have to answer any questions for any customers! I find the shortest line in the food court and wait to order my lunch.

Joy to the world.

12:57 PM

I finally get my lunch and have a whole three minutes before I'm due back at the store. I get to grab bites in between customers!

Joy to the world.

1:53 PM

I finally finish my lunch. Cold fries suck.

Joy to the world.

4:30 PM

There are three of us working the store now; Bob, Mike and me. But Mike's seasonal help so he doesn't really count. Unless saying, "Let me ask Henry" or "I'll ask Bob" counts as help.

The afternoon has been a lot like the morning. I've had the drunk, the shoplifter (complete with parents who don't believe their angel is a thief), the father who simply watched as his three children totally wrecked the Apple shelves (a strong candidate for my new Father of the Year contest) and the usual asortment of complainers.

But now my shift is over. I get to leave!

Joy to the world!

5:15 PM

After a 10 minute walk to my car, I find traffic is pretty light. It only takes me 35 minutes to make the 13 minute drive home. I stagger into the apartment and am greeted by my wife and the cats.

"Tough day?" Audrey asks.

"About like normal," I respond.

Audrey smiles, "I thought so. I got beer."

Joy to the world!

Afterword

Every customer mentioned in this story was real, though they probably didn't all hit on the same day. Rest assured there were other idiots who filled in for them. The Christmas of 1989 was the last one during which I worked in retail. It was also the last time I entered a mall at the height of the Christmas sales season.

Now that really is joy to the world!

Bruce Wayne vs. Lex Luthor

This is an entry for the esteemed Bruce Bethke's Friday Challenge writing contest. I hope your all enjoy it.

Page 1

Panel 1

Bruce Wayne, well dressed in a dark suit and tie, walks through a crowded room. On his arm is a beautiful, raven haired woman named Julie. She is wearing a shape hugging evening dress with a plunging neckline. They carry drinks, as do many in the crowd. Service personnel carrying trays of drinks or hors devours dot the crowd. In the distance, a bald man wearing a similar suit with a similar looking woman can be seen. This is Lex Luthor. The woman is named Callan.

Bruce: There’s someone I want you to meet.

Julie: You mean Lex Luthor? How do you know him?

Bruce: I met him when we both sponsored a PGA charity golf tournament.

Julie: PGA? Is that the Psychopathic Golfer’s Association?

Bruce: Ha ha. Be nice.

Panel 2

Lex spies Bruce and the two men steer toward each other.

Lex: Bruce! So you got roped into this dreary affair, as well? Why don’t we just write the charity checks for a million dollars and then hit the links?

Bruce: You’re on, Lex! But first I wanted to introduce someone to you.

Panel 3

The two women smile, almost smirk. Bruce and Lex look surprised.

Julie: Hello, Lex. I see you’ve gotten over me.

Callan: I see the same applies to you, Bruce.

Callan: Hi, I’m Callan.

Julie: I’m Julie. So, you know Bruce?

Callan: Intimately. And you and Lex?

Julie: The same.

Panel 4

Julie and Callan have turned and are starting to walk away from the still stunned Bruce and Lex.

Callan: My new BFF Julie and I have some catching up to do. We’re off to powder our noses.

Julie: Talk about anything you want, boys. Anything except us!

Bruce and Lex (thought – have them share the same thought bubble): This looks like trouble!

Panel 5

Bruce and Lex both look as if they want to bolt from the other’s company.

Bruce: I’ve got to…

Lex: …call into my office.

Bruce: Okay.

Lex: Right. Bye.

Page 2

Split this page in half down the middle. On the left side, in the odd numbered panels, we’ll see what Bruce is doing. On the right side, in the even numbered panels, we’ll see what Lex is doing. This will give the readers a sense that the actions are occurring at the same time.

Panel 1

Bruce hurries out of the party, into a hallway.

Panel 2

Lex brings his left wrist to his mouth.

Lex: Code ruby red. I say again, code ruby red.

Panel 3

Bruce enters an unmarked doorway out in the hallway.

Panel 4

A minion delivers a small case to Lex.

Panel 5

Outside of the building, Batman emerges from a darkened window. The window is 30 floors up from the ground. The outside of the building is ornately decorated, making it easy for Batman to move around. This is Gotham city, so include gargoyles.

Panel 6

Lex slips into a door marked “Men”. Next to that door is one marked “Women”.

Panel 7

Perched on a gargoyle next to a frosted window, Batman has what amounts to a fancy stethoscope pressed to the window.

Panel 8

In a stall, Lex has closed the toilet (let’s go easy on him and let this public restroom have covers as well as seats). The small case is open next to Lex. In it are several small tools and technical devices, including a small drill with an extremely long drill bit. At Lex’s feet is a small pile of ceramic dust from the hole he drilled in the wall. Lex is feeding a small fiber optic cable through the hole.

Page 3

Panel 1

Julie and Callan are standing at the mirrors, primping. The frosted window can be seen in the background. Batman’s shadow can be seen against the window. Peaking up over a stall, we can also see a small spider like robot with the fiber optic cable.

Callan: Did Lex do the whole “Lois Lane” fantasy bit with you?

Julie: Oh my God! He’s still into that?

Panel 2

In the toilet stall, Lex winces.

Panel 3

Julie and Callan are still before the mirrors but have stopped primping and are looking at each other. Otherwise, this is the same as panel 1.

Callan: Did he have you dress in something slinky?

Julie: And cower on the bed in mock terror as a captive of Lex Luthor?

Callan: And then some employee or minion or whatever he calls them, breaks into the room wearing a Superman costume?

Panel 4

Split this panel diagonally. In one half, Lex is so mortified that he nearly falls off the toilet seat. In the other half, Batman is laughing so hard he nearly falls off the gargoyle.

Panel 5

Same as Panel 3, except now the women are obviously giggling.

Julie: Uh huh! Then Lex pretends to beat up Superman, all the while proclaiming the Man of Steel is no match for Lex and his Rod of Steel?

Callan: And then you have to do the whole Madeline Kahn scene from Young Frankenstein?

Julie: No, Lex! No! No… Oh! Oh, Lex! Yes! Yes!

Page 4

Panel 1

Outside the window, Batman is still laughing.

Batgirl (from off panel): What’s so funny, Bruce?

Panel 2

Batgirl swings up next to Batman on the gargoyle. Batman is still laughing and holding out the ear phones for the listening device.

Batman: Met up with Lex Luthor at this charity ball and it turns out my girl is one of his ex-girls.

Batgirl: So?

Batman: His ex and his current are in there comparing notes. I haven’t heard anything this funny in… No, I’ve never heard anything this funny!

Panel 3

Switch back to the restroom. Julie and Callan are now leaning against the counter with their backs to the mirror. Both are laughing.

Callan: What about Bruce? Is he still calling his the Batpole?

Julie: Oh yeah! And he’s always telling you to slide down the Batpole?

Sound FX: Giggle

Sound FX: Snicker

Panel 4

Back outside the window, now Batgirl is laughing. Batman now looks stunned and is reaching for the ear phones.

Batgirl: Ha! The Batpole? Jesus, Bruce, that’s just sick!

Batman: The wha- Um, Batgirl, that’s enough eavesdropping. This is a private conversation between private, law abiding citizens. You shouldn’t be listening!

Batgirl: Right, like I’m going to stop listening after that?

Panel 5:

Same as Panel 3

Callan: Does Bruce still have the costume?

Julie: You mean the crotchless Batgirl costume?

Callan: That’s the one!

Panel 6

It’s now Lex’s turn to laugh. He’s laughing so hard he nearly falls off the toilet again.

Page 5

Panel 1

An outraged Batgirl is staring daggers at a suddenly defensive Batman.

Batgirl: Crotchless Batgirl costume?

Batman: Now, I can explain, Barbara! You see-

Batgirl: You have a crotchless Batgirl costume!

Panel 2

Back in the restroom, Callan and Julie and laughing and having a great time.

Callan: Has he ever made you go outside and pretend to break into the house?

Julie: Break in? No, not yet. What’s the deal?

Callan: You slip outside with, well, pretty much everything wide open for view and pretend to break into stately Wayne manner. Then Bruce shows up wearing a Batman cowl and cape and, well, you can guess from there.

Julie: Thanks for the warning, though it sounds kind of kinky.

Panel 3

Same as Panel 2 except, through the window, we see the shadow of Batgirl pounding on Batman. Batman is trying to defend himself from the enraged woman. Callan and Julie do not notice this.

Callan: Oh, it can be kinky, all right. One time, as I climbed in through the window, I found myself face to face with Alfred.

Julie: The butler? What did you do?

Callan: Before I could say anything, he just spoke up in that annoying calm voice of his, saying, “Sorry to startle you, miss. Master Bruce will be with you directly.”

Julie: He didn’t ogle at you?

Callan: Didn’t even bat an eye, if you’ll pardon the expression. Not even when Bruce swooped into the room and, uh, went to it right there in front of Alfred.

Panel 4

Lex is fumbling with a small device, trying to attach it to the fiber optic cable.

Lex: Oh, I’ve got to record this! I’ll have one of my younger minions post it on YouTube!

Panel 5

Batman continues to try to dodge Batgirl’s attacks. Batgirl continues listening through the ear phones.

Julie (through the window): God, Callan, right in front of Alfred?

Callan (through the window): Truth to tell, Julie, I don’t think it was the first time for either of them.

Julie (through the window): I think I’d just about die!

Callan (through the window): I don’t know, Julie. I kind of got off on it. I mean, what else could I do?

Page 6

Panel 1

Back to Lex. He’s still trying to attach the device when the door to stall is yanked open by a big, mean looking security guard.

Guard: What the Hell do you think you’re doing, mister?

Lex: Do you have any idea who I am, officer?

Guard: Yeah. You’re a pervert and you’re coming with me!

Panel 2

Batman, on the run from Batgirl, dives back through the window he came out through earlier in the story. Batgirl is flinging the ear phones at him in disgust.

Batgirl: Next time I see you, you’d better be crawling and begging! You hear me, Bruce?

Panel 3

Bruce slips out of the door back into the hallway. In the background, Lex is standing outside the door to the Men’s room. He’s handing a large amount of cash to the security guard. Both men look somewhat the worse for wear. Bruce is sporting the beginnings of a shiner. Lex’s clothes have been obviously mussed up badly.

Panel 4

Bruce and Lex return to the charity ball.

Bruce: Rod of Steel?

Lex: Batpole?

Panel 5

As Julie and Callan return to their respective dates, Bruce and Lex look sheepishly at each other.

Bruce: This never happened, right?

Lex: Absolutely right.

The Lord of the Rings II: The Return of the One Ring

Scene: Peter Jackson’s office. Movie Man has just arrived for his 11:00 appointment.

Movie Man: Peter, baby! How’s it going?

Peter Jackson: Do I know you?

Movie Man: Ha, ha! Always the kidder, aren’t you? But, hey, time is money, so they say. So let’s skip the chit chat and get right down to brass tacks.

Peter Jackson: Okay…

Movie Man: I’m putting together a movie deal that’s gonna be big. Really big. Huge, even! We’re talking big budget, high concept, first class all the way. New Line is 100% committed to the project, of course.

Peter Jackson: Of course. And the project is…?

Movie Man: The Lord of the Rings II: The Return of the One Ring!

Peter Jackson: The return-? But the One Ring was destroyed! Sauron is dead! Saruman is dead! Gandalf and Frodo went to the Grey Havens with the elves! How can you even think about doing a sequel?

Movie Man: Yeah, Pete. Can I call you Pete? I’ve got say that it just wasn’t very good planning on your part to destroy the ring, kill off all the bad guys and then ship all the heroes off to some island somewhere. What were you thinking?

Peter Jackson: It’s how the book ended!

Movie Man: There was a book?

Peter Jackson: Yes, there was a book, you idiot! But that’s beside the point. You can’t have the One Ring return because it was destroyed!

Movie Man: Nah. We can just say it was encased in lava or something and no one realized it wasn’t destroyed.

Peter Jackson: If it wasn’t destroyed, why did Sauron die? Why did his tower crumble? Why did the all-seeing eye vanish?

Movie Man: Oh, that’s pretty easy. You see, everyone believed the ring was destroyed. Frodo believed it. Sam believed it. Even Gollum believed it. That belief was projected on Sauron, so he believed it to. If you figure magic is based at least partially on belief systems, it makes sense that everything would come apart when the belief that supported the magic was removed.

Peter Jackson: That…doesn’t actually sound stupid. Where did you come up with that?

Movie Man: Got it from some kid who fixed my computer this morning. He got me out of a tough spot, too, because I sure had no idea how we could make it work!

Peter Jackson: Ah. That explains how something creative slipped into this presentation…

Movie Man: So, anyway, the one ring survives. Years pass. That guy who got to be king in the end, the one who landed the hot elf babe?

Peter Jackson: Aragorn?

Movie Man: Yeah, him! Anyway, he grows old and dies and his great, great, great, great – well, you get the idea – grandson takes over as king. Meanwhile, since elves live forever, we can have the hot elf babe in the movie again! I know you’re going to love what I’ve got planned.

Peter Jackson: Oh, I’m just breathless with anticipation…

Movie Man: So, anyway, years pass. CO2 pours into the atmosphere causing global warming, which causes the seas to rise and-

Peter Jackson: Global warming? GLOBAL WARMING?! Middle earth has a pre-industrial civilization! How could CO2 pour into the atmosphere?

Movie Man: Petey, baby, didn’t you watch your own movies? There were a whole bunch of fires and burning and lots and lots of smoke! And what’s in smoke? CO2! So, global warming! You’re a movie guy – didn’t you watch that science guy, um…Gore? His movie? Anyway, the seas rise and wash the One Ring out of the cave where it’s been buried for so many years. Bang, evil is back in business! The One Ring is picked up by someone mysterious. We never see the person, just a shadow, so no one knows who picked up the ring.

Peter Jackson: But you know, right?

Movie Man: Oh, yeah, but I’m not going to tell you yet. You’ve got to have the build up, first!

Peter Jackson: Oh boy. I just can’t wait.

Movie Man: I knew you’d be excited, Peterino! So, anyway, a new “dark lord” has the one ring now. And he’s already evil! That means he can control it, because he’s already evil and won’t fight the ring. See? Next, the Dark Lord starts gathering his vast army. Orcs flock to his banner! Better leave the men from the East out of it this time. Someone might think it was a reference to Islamic people and we don’t want to have CAIR or someone protest and give us bad publicity, right?

Peter Jackson: I think bad publicity from CAIR will be the least of your worries…

Movie Man: Good, glad you agree. No men from the East! You could probably use men from the South. Nobody cares if you run down the South, after all! Meanwhile, back in Hobbitton, Frodo’s great, great, great, great, etc, grandson suddenly-

Peter Jackson: Frodo’s what? Frodo didn’t marry! He didn’t have any children!

Movie Man: Petester, baby, work with me, here! You’re a man of the world! You know you don’t have to get married to have children. Frodo was a young adult when he left to slam dunk the ring. Surely he got laid at least once during that time! So, anyway, the descendent of Frodo suddenly stands up and proclaims, “The One Ring is back! A new Dark Lord is rising! We must prepare for war!”

Peter Jackson: Just like that? He just suddenly knows the One Ring is back?

Movie Man: Sure! He’s got Frodo’s blood running in him. He’s attuned to the One Ring! So, Throdo – notice how the name sounds a lot like Frodo – rides through middle earth on his horse-

Peter Jackson: Pony.

Movie Man: Pony?

Peter Jackson: Hobbits are too small to ride horses. They ride ponies.

Movie Man: Fine, pony. Whatever. Anyway, Throdo rides through middle earth calling “The Dark Lord is rising! The Dark Lord is rising!” But times are good in middle earth and no one wants to fight. Except maybe those Riders of Rohan from the first movies. They seem like they’d fight at the drop of a helmet! Anyway, when Throdo gets to Gondor, he can’t convince the king – let’s call him Barackgorn. Free publicity from the election and everything, not to mention all the actors will like it a lot! Anyway, Barackgorn listens to Throdo and agrees to send a delegation to negotiate with the new Dark Lord.

Peter Jackson: Negotiate? That ought to get the audience’s blood pumping.

Movie Man: Don’t worry. This is fantasy so we can say negotiations with evil don’t actually work. Back to Throdo and Barackgorn. Throdo is pissed that Barackgorn won’t send troops, so he rides off to Rohan – that’s the Rider people, remember? Anyway, the Gondor delegation is taken before the Dark Lord and he is terrible and evil and just plain mean. You know, like a Republican? So, the Dark Lord listens to the delegation plead for peace and laughs this evil laugh then his orcs kill the delegation from Gondor. Meanwhile, Throdo reaches Roham and talks to whoever their new king is – probably the many greats grandson of whoever their kind was in the movie – and asks if the Riders will fight. An advisor urges caution but the king bellows, “This. Is. Rohan! We fight!” and orders the Riders to prepare to fight.

Peter Jackson: Let me guess. There are only about 300 Riders left.

Movie Man: Damn, that’s amazing! How did you figure that out? Anyway, we see the brave 300 Riders head off to fight evil. Then, we end the first movie with hundreds of thousands of orcs marching out of New Mordor to fight the 300 Riders. Great cliff hanger ending, huh?

Peter Jackson: And you came up with this by yourself? I’m stunned.

Movie Man: Thanks! The big set up for the war in the first movie meant I had to go into a lot more detail than I usually like to. So, the second movie is going to mostly be about the big fight between the Dark Lord’s army of a million orcs and the 300 Riders.

Peter Jackson: At, of course, a very narrow pass, small enough that 300 men can hold it against an army.

Movie Man: It’s like you’re reading my mind! This will be a really “manly” movie, where the Riders go toe to toe against a million orcs. I can see lots of blood and cool slo mo fight scenes and strange beasts. We even have the Dark Lord try to convince the king of the Riders that he could rule over all of middle earth if he would only bow to the Dark Lord. We still don’t show the Dark Lord directly, though, just his shadow and hear his eerie voice.

Peter Jackson: And, of course, back in Gondor the – how did you put it – “hot elf babe” could be trying to convince Gondor to take up arms and save the brave Riders. You could even have a traitor in the governing body working against her.

Movie Man: Hey, nice touch! I like it!

Peter Jackson: I was afraid of that!

Movie Man: So, the Riders fight to the death against a million orcs and loose.

Peter Jackson: You mean “lose.”

Movie Man: What?

Peter Jackson: There’s only one “o” in lose. I swear “lose” is the most misspelled word on the internet.

Movie Man: Internet? But we’re just talking, Pete, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal.

Peter Jackson: Hm? Oh, right, talking. Never mind, then.

Movie Man: That was just odd, Peteroni.

Peter Jackson: Like this entire conversation isn’t?

Movie Man: Um… Right. On with the high concept. So, in Gondor, the hot elf babe, with Throdo’s help, uncovers the traitor and convinces Gondor to go to war against the new Dark Lord. The second movie ends with Gondor preparing for war and calling for allies. Meanwhile, the million orc army marches into middle earth. Great stuff, so far, right?

Peter Jackson: Amazing. Simply amazing.

Movie Man: The third movie opens with middle earth preparing for war. Dwarves march to fight the Dark Lord.

Peter Jackson: Singing “Hi ho, Hi ho, it’s off to war we go!” no doubt.

Movie Man: Yeah… Yeah! I like that!

Peter Jackson: You would.

Movie Man: And men march off to join Gondor and the orcs march into middle earth planning to destroy everything. Meanwhile, Throdo and Barackgorn race against time to find a way to defeat the Dark Lord. As the small army of men and dwarves face off against the vast army of the Dark Lord, Throdo and Barackgorn find a prophesy buried deep in the vaults under Gondor. The prophesy tells them how the Dark Lord might be defeated. Armed with the prophesy, they race towards the battlefield. On the battlefield, things aren’t going well for the men and dwarves. They fight bravely, but there are just too many orcs and the Dark Lord doesn’t help things since he keeps lobbing fireballs and stuff like that at the good guys.

Peter Jackson: Fireballs? Isn’t that a tad too cliché?

Movie Man: Fine. He can throw shards of glass or flying daggers or whatever you want. Just make sure it looks cool. Cool special effects sell tickets, my man!

Peter Jackson: Really? I’ll keep that in mind when I make my next movie.

Movie Man: Glad I was here to help! So, back to the story. Throdo and Barackgorn arrive at the battle just when things are at their worst. The army is being cut to pieces and the orcs are about to win. Then, they get the wizard to-

Peter Jackson: Wizard? What wizard? You haven’t mentioned a wizard once until just now!

Movie Man: It’s a FANTASY. Of course there’s a wizard! For someone who made the highest grossing fantasy movies ever, you sure don’t know much about your genre! So, anyway, they hand the prophesy to the wizard and he invokes the spell that’s part of the prophesy, summoning the Chosen One to fight the Dark Lord. As the spell rings out over the battlefield, all fighting stops as everyone turns to watch the summoning. There’s a great flash of light and – ta da – a teenage boy with glasses and a wand is standing there!

Peter Jackson: Harry Potter? You’re going to summon Harry Potter?! To middle earth? To fight the Dark- Oh, no. No! Tell me, God, tell me PLEASE that the Dark Lord isn’t Lord Voldemort!

Movie Man: Right in one, Pete-O! And now we see the Dark Lord’s face, but you already know who he is. He and Harry face off in a big wizard’s duel to the death!

Peter Jackson: You know that duel has already been done in the final Harry Potter book?

Movie Man: Books? There are Harry Potter books?